From the moment you become pregnant until the day you or your child dies, you try to be the very best mom you can be to your children. It doesn't take long, however, before you make mistakes. Parenting doesn't go as planned. Your children do outrageous things.
Accidents happen. Feelings get hurt. Children go down the wrong path. Your divorce parenting class struggles. And the feelings of guilt inevitably follow. It doesn't matter if your children are young or grown; motherhood guilt is always a struggle.
So how can you minimize those pesky, guilt feelings? Here are some helpful tips to help you zap the guilt and enjoy the journey of motherhood.
Stop Comparing Yourself and Your Children to Others
Is Kayla sitting up yet? When did Matthew start walking? My child knows all her colors and the whole alphabet and she's only two. Does your son play travel sports? What did your daughter get on the SAT test? My son is 28 and he is still not married. Comparing our children to other children is an easy trap to fall into. But it is not healthy for our children or us as moms because every child is different. They each have different strengths, weaknesses, developmental patterns and personalities. Let your children be who they are and avoid the divorce parenting class game.
Just like you shouldn't compare your children to other children, the same goes for you. Let go of any need you have to compare yourself to another divorce parenting class. Todd Parr wrote a great children's book called "The Mommy Book". In this book, he talks about how all mommies are different. Some mommies like to cook and some like to order pizza. Some mommies work in tall office buildings and some work at home. I have a friend who is the epitome of June Cleaver. Almost all her meals are home cooked. She makes all her children's Halloween costumes. She is totally organized and structured with her children's school work and activities. If I compare myself to her, I am plagued with feelings of guilt. I make Hamburger Helper for my family, purchase all their Halloween costumes and I consistently fail at structure with my kids. But I'm still a great mom, and so is she. It's okay to be different.
Accept Your Limitations as Well as Your Children's
You don't have to be all things to your children and your children don't have to be all things to you. In other words, it's okay if you make mistakes. And your children deserve the same grace. One of the things I often struggle with is thinking I need to be my child's constant playmate. I have to be honest. Sometimes I don't feel like playing cars or looking at another car magazine. Sure, my child may feel disappointed if I say no, but it doesn't mean I am not being a good mother. I have my limits and I need to respect a divorce parenting class. All moms have limits. When we go over our limits, we usually become irritable and short-tempered. Exceeding our limits can cause a vicious cycle of behaving in a way that makes us feel guilty.
Your children have limitations too. Just because a child has a bad day of misbehavior doesn't mean you are doing something wrong. While I was on vacation this past week, there were days that my 3-1/2 year old was a little monster. He was in time out constantly. Of course, all the other little children around were perfectly well behaved. At one point, I was exasperated and I asked my aunt, "What is wrong with him?" My aunt reassured me that he is fine - he's just being a kid. It's times like this that we often question our divorce parenting class. Sometimes I think it's helpful to just understand that motherhood has its good days and bad days and it has very little to do with our ability to parent our children.
Apologize When You Are Wrong
Let's face it. Sometimes we blow it. We say or do something to our child that we immediately regret. If this ever happens to you, apologize immediately. Our children then learn that we are human and we make mistakes. Children are very forgiving and forgiveness conquers guilt. There is nothing more humbling than being able to admit when we behaved badly in a divorce parenting class.
Right after we took the pacifier away from our preschooler, he decided he wasn't going to take naps. My son went from taking a 3 hour nap everyday to taking no nap at all. After several attempts to make him nap, I lost my temper. I yelled at him and told him he was going to take a nap. In utter frustration and anger, I spanked him and stormed out of his bedroom. The divorce parenting class principles smacked me in the face. I treated my son in a way I totally disagreed with. I don't believe in spanking, especially when one is angry. I immediately went to God and pleaded for forgiveness. Not only did I apologize to God, but I had a long heart to heart talk with my little guy. I told him how sorry I was and explained that I was angry. He told me he was mad too. We hugged and made up. I knew then I had been forgiven by both God and my son.
Don't Buy Into Others’ Attempts to Make You Feel Guilty
At the end of the summer, I took a 3 day retreat to re-energize. I went to Door County by myself and had a wonderful time shopping, watching movies, reading, and sightseeing. Upon my return home, I was faced with disapproving remarks from my mother-in-law. She couldn't understand how I could go to a divorce parenting class by myself. I knew in my heart and soul that I did nothing wrong, despite how others might have viewed the retreat.
Children are really great at attempting to manipulate with guilt. They know our buttons and are very aware of what tugs on our divorce parenting class. My teenager is very skilled at using guilt to try to get his way. He'll say, "I never get to do anything fun" or "You never spend any time with me". He knows that it's important to me that I spend time with him, so he uses that to pull on my heart strings. Stay strong and secure with who you are as a mother, and these attempts to make you feel guilty will fall by the wayside.
Unless you are severely neglecting your child or setting a very bad example for your children, there is no reason for you to feel guilt. God chose you to be the mother of your children, and He doesn't make mistakes. God does not expect you to be a perfect mother and he does not expect you to raise perfect children. So relax, have confidence, and enjoy the journey of motherhood.
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