Parenting Programs states a few important ways to build healthy communication
Parenting Programs tips to improve communication
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Parenting programs keeps your cool
There are times when all parents feel that they are out of patience. However, it is always important to find ways to help your child to behave without hurting her feelings. Here are a few ways to calm yourself when you feel stressed, before you try to talk with your child.
Healthy communication with your child is one of the most important and rewarding skills that you can develop as a parent. It also makes the tough parts of parenting (such as disciplining your child) much easier and more effective.
Parenting programs: Odd as it may seem, children who hit are children who are afraid.
The fears that cause trouble for a child who hits usually have their roots in some frightening experience earlier in her life, even though she may not seem frightened at all. To manage her fear, the frightened child develops aggressive behavior that flares any time she feels tense. Instead of crying or saying she feels scared when her fears are triggered, she tightens up, can’t ask for help, and lashes out.
You don’t need to know why a child is fearful, in order to help her. What’s needed are measures to increase her sense of safety and connection with you, whether you are her parent, her caregiver, or a loving relative or friend. And you also need to take proactive steps to prevent her from landing any impulsive swats.
As you connect and protect, a child will begin to share with you the passionate feelings that drive her impulse to hit. Listening to a child’s feelings, while preventing her from hurting anyone, allows a child to release the underlying fear, so she can relax and see others as her friends, rather than as a threat.
First, build a stronger connection.
Set up opportunities to connect more often, and more fully. Special Time is a tool that’s ideal for building connection. If it’s your own child, try to do a short Special Time very early in the day, perhaps upon waking, so that your child begins the day with your offer to do whatever they she wants to do for the first 5 minutes or 10 minutes of the day. Pay warm, affectionate attention. This helps a child see that she is important to you, even if there are other siblings, a morning schedule and early phone calls you have to attend to. It puts first things first in the family.
If the child is someone you know outside your family, try Special Time or Playlistening when you first see her.
On a play date, for instance, you might set up some roughhousing or hide and seek games to involve the children who will be playing together. Add yourself to the mix, get down on the floor, and play with affection. See if you can get laughter going by taking the less powerful role. Get the children working together to “get” you with pillows or balloons or by jumping out of nowhere to “scare” you during hide and seek. When there’s laughter (without tickling) and they are “winning,” you’re Playlistening. The laughter and sense of safety and power in Playlistening helps children bond with each other and releases tension. It helps them get a sense that they are safe, treasured, and secure in your presence.
At a family gathering, you might organize a tag game or an “I want to give you a hug” game that the children can win. You might, for instance, open your arms to try to give them big bear hugs. But stumble, fall, and fail. They will love getting the best of you. Nuzzle them now and then, but be sure not to be a very competent hugger. Make eye contact while you play. Be bamboozled by them, but keep bouncing back to try again. This kind of play is sheer heaven for children.
The child who tends to hit may, during such a playtime, find a chance to unpack her upsets in a more workable way. She might bang an elbow, or find a defect in the cracker you offer her, or look you in the eye and then start to use a crayon on your wall. When you approach her gently to bring a limit, she has a reason to cry and perspire or tantrum. This expression of emotion is the beginning of the healing process for the feelings that she carries, most likely, the same feelings that sometimes cause her to hit.
Second, when she cries, Staylisten.
This means staying close, not taking the ensuing emotional storm personally, and letting the child know that you’re there for her. You pour in support; she pours out her fear and upset. Often, a child goes quickly from “My cracker is broken, I need a new cracker!” to “I need my Mommy!” and from complaint to sheer panic. Listen. No need to try to fix anything. You are just the right person to listen to her. Let her feel that panic about having bumped her elbow, about needing a whole cracker, or about any other urgent need of the moment. There will be time later for a band-aid, or to consider the cracker again. For now, let her show you how upset she is. If she’s missing Mommy or Daddy, let her know that they will always come back. Reassure her that you’ll watch over her and keep her safe.
Feelings will pour out with great passion and force. Although it looks like dire things are happening, this outpouring is actually a deep relief for a child’s emotional mind. The passion you see is what drives her impulsive behavior. A genuine internal healing is occurring. All the child needs is your warmth, eye contact and a few words about the fact that she’s safe with you. When the storm has passed, the child will feel a thousand percent safer with you than ever before, whether she’s your own child or a child in your care for some other reason.
Third, if building the connection doesn’t quickly result in a big cry about some small thing, then you’ll need to stay close to your impulsive hitter.
Watch for signs of increasing tightness. Children often (but not always) give you signals that their negative feelings are bubbling up. Their voices become edgy. Their faces lose mobility and sometimes lose color as well. They avoid natural, communicative eye contact. They begin to try to control situations. When you see this, move closer. Don’t try to prevent hitting with words like, “OK, let’s take turns here. There’s no need to get upset.” The upset is already inside of the child. Once a child has signaled that she is in trouble, there are no words that can make that trouble disappear. What you can do is to make sure that her impulsive behavior hurts no one.
So proactively set a limit.
For instance, you might try hooking your arm around the frequent hitter’s midsection, and gently nudging her a step away from the other children. You are not forbidding any further play. You are simply insuring safety. You can say, “I need to put my arm here, Rosie. You can play, but I am going to come with you and keep my arm here for awhile, so everyone stays safe.” Your sense of calm and your gentle touch will probably help her notice the tension that’s rising in her. She won’t want you there. She might squirm and try to push you away. Stand your ground. “I’m going to keep you safe. I know you want to play, and you can. I will go with you where you go.” She may fume, and work her way into a good cry.
Your limit is helpful. You noticed trouble coming, and intervened in the kindest possible way.
You are preventing a frightened child from feeling ashamed because her impulses overcame her and hurt someone again. You are preventing another child from being victimized. You are doing the responsible thing as a parent or guardian of the play environment. You haven’t shamed her, haven’t isolated her, but also haven’t let her impulses victimize another child. When she finally bursts into tears, Staylisten. Reassure her that she’s a good friend. That other children are glad to play with her. That she will have a good day today, even though things feel hard right now. Let her know that she’s safe with you, and you are glad to be with her.
This process can be used again and again, to help a child who carries a knot of fear big enough to require several rounds of proactive limits and emotional release.
We have seen children’s whole personalities change over time, and their frequently impulsive behavior melt into sensitivity and empathy for the feelings of other children, with repeated chances to play with an attentive adult, and then have good, passionate cries and tantrums in the circle of a kind adult’s arms.
Isn’t this what we all could use? Someone to move in when we are edgy so we don’t splash our upsets on others, and then to listen to us vent our upsets in safety? Someone kind enough to listen until the storm is over and we feel good about our lives again? Children who tend to hit give us a chance to learn this kind of effective intervention— intervention to build a stronger friendship. Intervention that prevents corrosive behavior through listening, so a child can feel safe in her world again.
Parenting Programs Here’s how it can work:
A mother asked me for help with a two-and-a-half-year-old girl, whose baby brother was four months old. The older child was drawn to her brother, and she was full of an intense desire to be close to him. But her kisses and touches were gentle for only five or ten seconds. They quickly turned to pinches and brusque bumps and sometimes to fingernails pressed into his arm. The mother didn’t want to keep her daughter away from the baby, but the girl could not be trusted to be gentle. The mother had been trying to teach gentle behavior, but with all her demonstration and instruction, her daughter had learned nothing. The mother had already instituted Special Time with her daughter, but that had not relieved the difficulty.
In watching their interaction, I saw that the big sister was like a moth to her baby brother’s flame. She couldn’t stay away from him, but was impulsive the moment she got close. The mom was exhausted and frustrated.
So I showed the mother how to put her hand on her daughter’s tummy as she approached the baby. I encouraged her to say, “I know you want to kiss your brother. You can do that in a little while. Let’s just watch him and see what he likes, for now.” No need to be unfriendly. No need to instruct. The mother was both ensuring the baby’s safety, and telling her daughter, “You love Billy. I can tell. You are such a sweet big sister.” With the feel of that limit, the daughter immediately went into a vigorous tantrum, jumping up and down and writhing in her mother’s arms. She tried frantically to reach for her baby brother. We told her we saw that she loved him, but said that she could kiss him and touch him a little later, not right now.
Big sister’s tantrum and sweaty struggle went on for fifteen or twenty minutes. We stayed positive, listened, and cared as her feelings poured out in her mommy’s arms.
When the daughter finally had worked her feelings through and didn’t feel frantic any longer, she looked at her Mommy, made sweet eye contact, and began to play with her Mommy’s buttons. She laughed a bit, and seemed relaxed. We asked her if she wanted to kiss her brother now, and she did, gently, and then went off to play.
The mother’s limit and Staylistening had freed her of that compulsion to be near the baby and besiege him with sugar-coated aggression. The mother was pleased, and now knew how to set a limit soon enough to help her daughter when her behavior became impulsive.
Parenting Programs: How can we help our child develop a healthy sense of self-esteem?
By definition, self-esteem is the way in which an individual perceives herself-in other words, her own thoughts and feelings about herself and her ability to achieve in ways that are important to her. This self-esteem is shaped not only by a child's own perceptions and expectations, but also by the perceptions and expectations of significant people in her life-how she is thought of and treated by parents, teachers and friends. The closer her perceived self (how she sees herself) comes to her ideal self (how she would like to be), the higher her self-esteem.
Parenting Programs: Helping Your Child Develop A Healthy Sense of Self Esteem
For healthy self-esteem, children need to develop or acquire some or all of the following characteristics:
A sense of security.
Your child must feel secure about herself and her future. ("What will become of me?")
A sense of belonging.
Your youngster needs to feel accepted and loved by others, beginning with the family and then extending to groups such as friends, schoolmates, sports teams, a church or temple and even a neighborhood or community. Without this acceptance or group identity, she may feel rejected, lonely, and adrift without a "home," "family" or "group."
A sense of purpose.
Your child should have goals that give her purpose and direction and an avenue for channeling her energy toward achievement and self-expression. If she lacks a sense of purpose, she may feel bored, aimless, even resentful at being pushed in certain directions by you or others.
A sense of personal competence and pride.
Your child should feel confident in her ability to meet the challenges in her life. This sense of personal power evolves from having successful life experiences in solving problems independently, being creative and getting results for her efforts. Setting appropriate expectations, not too low and not too high, is critical to developing competence and confidence. If you are overprotecting her, and if she is too dependent on you, or if expectations are so high she never succeeds, she may feel powerless and incapable of controlling the circumstances in her life.
A sense of trust.
Your child needs to feel trust in you and in herself. Toward this goal, you should keep promises, be supportive and give your child opportunities to be trustworthy. This means believing your child, and treating her as an honest person.
A sense of responsibility.
Give your child a chance to show what she is capable of doing. Allow her to take on tasks without being checked on all the time. This shows trust on your part, a sort of "letting go" with a sense of faith.
A sense of contribution.
Your child will develop a sense of importance and commitment if you give her opportunities to participate and contribute in a meaningful way to an activity. Let her know that she really counts.
A sense of making real choices and decisions.
Your child will feel empowered and in control of events when she is able to make or influence decisions that she considers important. These choices and decisions need to be appropriate for her age and abilities, and for the family's values.
A sense of self-discipline and self-control.
As your child is striving to achieve and gain more independence, she needs and wants to feel that she can make it on her own. Once you give her expectations, guidelines, and opportunities in which to test herself, she can reflect, reason, problem-solve and consider the consequences of the actions she may choose. This kind of self-awareness is critical for her future growth.
A sense of encouragement, support and reward.
Not only does your child need to achieve, but she also needs positive feedback and recognition - a real message that she is doing well, pleasing others and "making it." Encourage and praise her, not only for achieving a set goal but also for her efforts, and for even small increments of change and improvement. ("I like the way you waited for your turn," "Good try; you're working harder," "Good girl!") Give her feedback as soon as possible to reinforce her self-esteem and to help her connect your comments to the activity involved.
A sense of accepting mistakes and failure.
Your child needs to feel comfortable, not defeated, when she makes mistakes or fails. Explain that these hurdles or setbacks are a normal part of living and learning, and that she can learn or benefit from them. Let your supportive, constructive feedback and your recognition of her effort overpower any sense of failure, guilt, or shame she might be feeling, giving her renewed motivation and hope. Again, make your feedback specific ("If you throw the ball like this, it might help") and not negative and personal ("You are so clumsy," "You'll never make it").
A sense of family self-esteem.
Your child's self-esteem initially develops within the family and thus is influenced greatly by the feelings and perceptions that a family has of itself. Some of the preceding comments apply to the family in building its self-esteem. Also, bear in mind that family pride is essential to self-esteem and can be nourished and maintained in many ways, including participation or involvement in community activities, tracing a family's heritage and ancestors, or caring for extended family members. Families fare better when members focus on each other's strengths, avoid excessive criticism and stick up for one another outside the family setting. Family members believe in and trust each other, respect their individual differences and show their affection for each other. They make time for being together, whether to share holidays, special events or just to have fun.
Last Updated
6/11/2010
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